The Anti-Shyness Movement

Hudson has always been our shy boy.   I probably haven't helped the situation by "labeling" him shy, verbally telling people this is why he refused to talk to them and appeared rude.  I'm pretty sure I read in some parenting article somewhere that this was a no-no, but I have always felt that I needed to explain his deep resistance to talking to strangers.   I'm not sure if this helped or hurt him, but it is what it is.   Compared to his brother (and now his sister), he is the total opposite.  Porter was always willing to talk to anyone and everyone.  When he started Kindergarten pretty much everyone in his school knew him because he was so friendly and talked to every adult he met.   Amelia is following the chatterbox footsteps- she says HI to everyone in the store and keeps saying HI until they answer.  Hudson was NEVER this way.   Painfully shy, he was the child hiding behind me, glaring a anyone who dare spoke a word directed his way.

This year we've really been working on getting him out of his shell when it comes to strangers.  He's terribly shy when people who he is unfamiliar with talk to him, and while it was acceptable when he was a toddler to brush it off and apologize for his shyness, he's definitely at the age where he needs to learn to cope with his anxieties of talking to strangers.  Ignoring people or just staring at them when they ask him questions is now unacceptable and rude. He's done great with being pushed outside of his comfort zone, although it hasn't been without struggle.  

In the fall we were at a birthday party and he needed help with something.  I don't remember what it was- a drink refill, another slice of pizza... I don't remember.  Another parent (who I also don't know) helped him and he accepted her help without a word, and then went to run off and play without saying thank you.   I stopped him in his tracks and explained that he needed to tell her thank you for helping him, and it turned into a half hour battle of the wills. (If you know this child, you'll know he is ALWAYS a battle of the wills!) He literally would STARE at her and refused to tell her thank you. So, I made him sit down next to me while the other kids played, and explained to him that it is rude not to thank people for doing something nice for him, and that I'd walk over with him so he could tell her.  We had a couple false attempts, and each time went right back to sitting down until he was ready.  He finally got up the courage to tell her thank you.  HURRAH!  

This spring, Porter's baseball coach bought the team pizza.  Hudson wanted pizza.   But, he wanted ME to go over and ask for him.  Nope, not gonna fly.  I told him he was almost 5 years old and if he wanted pizza he needed to go ask for a piece himself, otherwise he could wait to eat dinner when we got home.  He bravely allowed me to walk over with him for support, and with a little coaxing, he went up to the coach and asked nicely for some pizza.   He didn't want to, but he did it!  Baby steps.  Baby steps.

He still doesn't like to answer people at stores when they comment on things, or ask him questions.  Slowly but surely he's getting better.   He no longer hides his face or glares, it is usually just a stare at them (in which I feel like strangers are surely thinking my child is deaf or doesn't understand english!).  There are still times we have to remind him to thank people, or answer people (and sometimes it goes as far as us insisting that he do it, though he wants to refuse).   I have no idea if this is the right thing to do, or if I'm further scarring my child by forcing him to face his anxieties, but my gut feeling tells me that he's going to need these people skills as an adult- hell, as a child in school- and any amount of pushing will only pay off in the future.

Have any of my readers dealt with a shy child?  What did you do to help them overcome their fears/anxieties?  I'm curious to know if there are any other methods/things I could be doing to help him along.  I know once he starts kindergarten next year he'll blossom little by little, though I know deep down he'll always be that shy child with strangers.   I just want him to be able to push that shyness aside and be able to acknowledge others in a polite way.  I know he'll likely never be the child that just strikes up a conversation with a stranger (Ahem... Porter...) but I want him to be able to be confident enough to answer people who strike up conversations with him without being rude.

going granola

It all started with an amber teething necklace.  At least, I guess that's where it started.   I saw a few babies wearing them online and I loved the idea of a natural way to alleviate teething pain.

Then I nixed our all purpose household cleaner and replaced it with vinegar and water.   Studies showed that vinegar is better than bleach at staving off bacteria anyhow.

And now the oils.   Oh how I love the oils.  I was a complete and utter skeptic at first- through and through.   But one by one my friends online began raving about them and my interest was peaked.

The more I think about the oils I find it funny how I was skeptical.   "What do you mean an oil can cure a headache?"  I questioned that.  I questioned how something natural and from the earth could possibly help our bodies.   But have I ever questioned how Advil or Benadryl worked?  Have I ever questioned how a man-made chemical produced to alter our bodies chemistry worked inside my body?   It is funny to think that people scrutinize oils- something natural- because they are far less mainstream than OTC drugs, but the very thing that is furthest from natural is considered the "norm".

I was chatting with Jessica the other night as she was really interested in trying the oils on her two youngest daughters.  Well, her other girls as well, but her main reason for interest was her younger girls.   Anyhow, we started talking organic food, and I was laughing at how when we started getting our eggs from our neighbor- who has chickens solely for farm fresh eggs- that I was totally "weird" about eating them.  Like, I thought they were going to taste weird, or that they were going to "spoil" quicker or something.   But I did a little research into store bought eggs and was pretty grossed out to find out that store bought eggs were likely months old by the time they make it to your fridge.  Whaaat?

After talking organic foods with Jessica I got into another conversation with my friend Heather about organic eating.   Gahhh.  All this talk!   The next day we needed groceries SO badly, so H, A and I went to Meijer after dropping P off at school.   I was so so proud of myself- I bought LOTS of organic stuff!   And I have been trying really hard to shop more from the outside perimeter of the groceries rather than the "processed" foods in the middle.   I'm super excited to check out Trader Joes in A2 soon, and hopefully will be able to make a bi-monthly trip there to pick up organic produce and other goodies as from what I've heard, their prices are GREAT for organic.  

A few weeks ago I planted a garden, so hopefully this summer we'll have some homegrown veggies and strawberries!   I wish we had garden-growing weather for more of the year :(

I've also been looking into making soaps- laundry detergent, hand soap, body wash etc...  I did buy some borax awhile back to make laundry detergent but so far all I've done with it is make ant poison!

All this talk just cracks me up.   Never ever in a million years would I imagine myself turning crunchy granola-y.  Never.  This evening our neighbor Gary was out in his yard and he says to me "I was laughing yesterday to myself and said- you know you live in suburbia when you're out mowing the lawn, your wife and mother in law are drinking wine and grilling dinner, and your next door neighbor has a baby on one hip and a basket of laundry on the other to hang on the clothes line"  It made me laugh too!

So, hopefully all these funny changes will turn into something great.   I want to try to start making a "clean meal" a week, but will maybe start with one every other week, and move up to one clean meal a week.  I love this idea of the 14 weeks of mini-pledges.   It will be hard to cut out processed foods, but I want to try to slowly switch over things and try to make better eating choices for our family.   Baby steps.  Baby steps.

The (real life) dictionary definition of Mother | by Lisa Jo Baker

I couldn't help but feel like every word of her post could have been written by me.  So I'm copy/pasting it here for safekeeping.  I want these words to light up my memories like fireworks when I'm an old lady, reading back on my blog book.  Lisa Jo's post is here.   You really should read her blog.   Amazing stuff.  I tear up reading most of her posts.

I am stretched and tired and fearful.

I am wild and brave and broken.
My closet has a sense of humor and clothes in every size.

I’ve worn these hips three times around the labor and delivery dance and they are not ashamed. I speak three languages and that doesn’t include my ability to translate my middle son’s moods.

I have danced circles into the midnight carpet on two continents.

I have rocked restless babes, cut baby curls, snipped fingernails and served a thousand thousand bowls of Cheerios.

I can build a blanket fort, pry splinters out of fingers, and sharp words out of young hearts.

I have lost it, yelled it, fought it, cried it and apologized it all before 9am.

I have fingerpainted, caffeinated, and run out of explanations for a line of why questions that stretches around the living room, out the front door and around the block.

I have tripped on Legos, stepped on scooters, slept on bottom bunks, and strung yards of white, twinkling lights above the heads of two brothers afraid of the dark and their bad dreams.

I have been woken up, shaken up, thrown up, loved up, and shut up. I have never quite, completely, ever given up.

Love sleeps in my bed. Curiosity eats at my table. Delight runs laps around my back yard. Exhaustion is a faithful friend. But so is grace.

If I started tonight and counted backwards all the gifts of the past seven years of two boys and this still-smells-new baby girl I would still be counting when their grandchildren were standing tippy toes with noses pressed against these smudged windows.

So I count dimples instead.

And piles of stray socks and jeans with knees missing and shoes that only fit for a few months and hair cuts and loose teeth and how many times I look at them and say with the disbelief of the proud, “I can’t believe how much you’ve grown!”

I am overwhelmed, infatuated, love struck and completely unhinged. Especially on the nights they bring in wild flowers and all the ever-loving mud in the world.

I am full and fulfilled.
I am older and comfortable in my skin.
I am about the work of raising tiny humans.
I am out of my mind and in my calling and desperate for five minutes alone and a lifetime together.

I see cherry blossom fireworks when two brothers enter school and friendship and new worlds together. Right there, just an outdoor, black top, basketball court away from me.

I want to stop time, tame my fears, bottle their dreams, live a hundred summers of dripping, sticky, caramel ice cream. And in between I hang onto my faith, my temper, and my sense of humor with my fingernails.

These are the good days, the glory days, the slow-as-molasses days. These are the fast years, the wonder years, the how-do-I-find-words years.

But we do. They usually start with “help” and end with “thank you” and the middle?

The middle is a thick layer of one syllable wonder sometimes whispered, often shouted, always answered.

The middle is me. The middle is you. The middle is just, “mom.”

WAHM benefits.

Mondays.

They usually are filled with to do lists of laundry and editing and emailing clients and dishes and more laundry and bills and grocery shopping. All the things needed to catch up from the weekend. Oh yeah, and taking care of the kids. That would be a big one.

Today was no different. I was gone late yesterday at a session in Bloomfield Hills. I got home at 10pm and had a couple client orders to place with my lab. I didn't get to bed until 2am. Amelia was up bright and early at 6:30 (thanks to Hudson screaming for toilet paper from the bathroom.). I had all intentions of buckling down and getting a lot of things accomplished. I have a few sessions to edit and I'm weeks behind on Project Life. I had a stack of bills to pay and piles of laundry to catch up on.

Carrie texted me asking about places to take Teddy (her 1-year old). I suggested the treehouse and then thought... Why not join them? I started to respond but then deleted my words. Then I looked at my babies and thought.... There aren't many more Mondays ill be able to just pick up and take them somewhere fun, to spend the day with them.

I hopped in the shower and was ready in record time. A few girlfriends met up with us- Carrie brought Teddy, Heather brought Rowen and Karinya brought Katherine (which Hudson was thrilled about... Someone his age!) and John.

I had only planned to spend 2 hours there, tops. We ended up staying and chatting until past 2:00. It was nice to "skip work" today and make some memories with the kiddos? Because I'm sure down the road they'll be more likely to remember the day mom threw her list away and packed them up for a fun day out instead of entertaining themselves and watching tv all day. I hope I can try to remember these type if days are needed once in awhile, if not on a regular basis. Work will always be there. "When in doubt, choose the kids. Work can come later..."

First Birthday High Chair Makeover

A few weeks ago I found a picture of an adorable old high chair (painted) with a banner hanging from it.  Perfect prop for a one year birthday.  So I began the hunt for an old high chair for Amelia's birthday.   

Within a week I'd found one... in Blissfield.  It was old.  It was in rough (cosmetic) shape.   We drove an hour to get it and then I put the boys to work washing it down.  

 I sanded it, and then painted it.  And then sanded it again.   And finally it was ready.   I still have yet to take her outside to do an "official" birthday shoot with it (with a prettier background than the siding of our house) but you get the idea....

The Tired Mother's Creed

by Lisa Jo Baker (read her post here- with a free printable)

Repeat after me:

1. I shall not judge my house, my kid’s summer activities or my crafting skills by Pinterest’s standards.
2. I shall not measure what I’ve accomplished today by the loads of unfolded laundry but by the assurance of deep love I’ve tickled into my kids
3. I shall say “yes” to blanket forts and see past the chaos to the memories we’re building.
4. I shall surprise my kids with trips to get ice cream when they’re already in their pajamas.
5. I shall not compare myself to other mothers, but find my identity in the God who trusted me with these kids in the first place.
6. I shall remember that a messy house at peace is better than an immaculate house tied up in knots.
7. I shall play music loudly and teach my kids the joy of wildly uncoordinated dance.
8. I shall remind myself that perfect is simply a street sign at the intersection of impossible and frustration in Never Never land.
9. I shall embrace the fact that in becoming a mom I traded perfect for a house full of real.
10. I shall promise to love this body that bore these three children – out loud, especially in front of my daughter.
11. I shall give my other mother friends the gift of guilt-free friendship.
12. I shall do my best to admit to my people my “unfine” moments.
13. I shall say “sorry” when sorry is necessary.
14. I pray God I shall never be too proud, angry or stubborn to ask for my children’s forgiveness.
15. I shall make space in my grown up world for goofball moments with my kids.
16. I shall love their father and make sure they know I love him.
17. I shall model kind words – to kids and grown-ups alike.
18. I shall not be intimidated by the inside of my minivan – this season of chip bags, goldfish crackers and discarded socks too shall pass.
19. I shall always make time to encourage new moms.
20. I shall not resent that last call for kisses and cups of water but remember instead that when I blink they’ll all be in college.

~ with love from one tired mother to another.

What's a Lemon Dropper?

So...I recently started using these Essential Oils through Young Living.  My blog friends, Lindsay and Michelle have me hooked!  

I was a huge skeptic for sure.  How on earth could some oils take the place of advil, allergy pills and antibiotics?  Now don't get me wrong, when the time calls for it of course I will call the doctor and any type of medication that may be necessary, but I don't see any harm in trying to alleviate some things in a more natural way.   So, I spent a few hours chatting with Michelle and Lindsay.   I decided to order my kit.  And I'm a believer.  

Want to know why?

-These oils really work.  Really! Young Living Oils are 100% organically grown in the most optimal conditions, they are then harvested at the most precise time and are distilled under the most rigorous of guidelines.  All of this makes Young Living EO's the most potent and safe oils on the market.  Read this article  for more information.

Back to the HOW these oils work.  You can use these oils 3 different ways: ingest them, apply topically or diffuse.  Even people with the worst allergies will tolerate these oils and surprisingly find extreme relief just by using these therapeutic grade oils.  They have taken away my headaches and gotten rid of sinus pressure by just rubbing them on my temples, forehead, cheeks and the bridge of my nose.  No lie! 

We also use these oils throughout the day, afternoon and evening. 
Before the boys go to school, I put Peace and Calming on them.  We use Thieves on our hands and feet to keep sickness at bay.  I recently tried Lavender for Hudson's allergies and it definitely helped him.   (Of course Ryan was jumping at the Children's Benadryl in the medicine cabinet.... I shooed him away). 

At night, before bed, I put Peace and Calming and also Lavender on the kids' feet.  They even ask for them now!  Not kidding.  Ryan uses Valor at night to help with his (God awful) snoring.  We've used Peppermint to rid ourselves of headaches, and Purification to stop coughing fits.  These are amazing and really work! 

-The business opportunity.  To be honest, I was kind of thrown into becoming a distributor when I had a few friends and family who wanted to sign up for the everyday oils kit. I'm so glad I did because I've met an amazing "team" of people (The Lemon Droppers) that do this whole business a little differently than I have ever seen or experienced (also I get my oils paid for, which my husband thinks is the best part of the deal, but that's a different story...which I'm willing to tell if you want to hear it).  Once you talk about these oils and their uses and benefits, people will be banging on your door for more information.  Now that's a business opportunity I want in on.  They literally sell themselves.  And believe me, once you see for yourself how amazing this product is, you WILL want to shout to the world about them.  

-The Young Living community, and to be more exact, the Lemon Droppers community on FB.  I am surrounded by intelligent, passionate and knowledgeable people who will answer any questions at the drop of a hat.  It's incredible.  I've learned a ton from them and it is a great community to belong to!

If you would like to try them out you can do so by ordering a few to try through me (I'll happily add them to my order at the end of this month, just email me at nic073@yahoo.com, but trust me when I say you'll be back for that kit...oh, you'll be back) OR you can become a member and get the oils at 24% off yourself plus access to the Lemon Dropper Lounge Facebook group (over 450 members now that are discovering new ways to use the kit and their oils).  

Once you buy your starter kit, you are NEVER required to order a certain amount each month. You simply are now able to purchase at the discounted price. Think of this like a SAMS Club or COSTCO membership. You pay a small charge to become a member to get cheaper prices. The only thing different is SAMS or COSTCO give you a card…Young Living gives you starter oils and a coupon for a diffuser.

The initial kit, called the Everyday Oils (comes with 11 oils and the coupon) is $150. The Frankincense and Panaway oils in the kit ALONE cost more than $150 (amazing oils), so it's a great deal to try these out and see what you can do for yourself and your family. You WILL use every oil in this set, I guarantee it.  It's called the Everyday Oils kit because you can use them for everyday things, like this:

Now what are you waiting for?  Check it out!

Ready to enroll?  Head on over here and get your kit.  Not convinced yet?  Head on over HERE and read why you NEED these oils and then go HERE to find out why becoming a distributor is not signing your life away.  Our group of Lemon Droppers are amazing and we have a ton of fun.  You know you want in!  What are you waiting for?

First Steps | Amelia Jane

At Porter's first baseball game Amelia finally got the courage to take her first steps.   I luckily was taking pictures of her with my Mark II and quickly switched to movie mode to video tape it.   She is SO CUTE!  She took about 5 steps and plopped down, and from then on she couldn't stop laughing enough to get her balance.  She's so funny!

Just another Manic Monday

I actually feel like I got something accomplished today and that feels GOOD!

Hudson doesn't have preschool on Mondays so he was home all day. Honestly, I prefer him to just be home all day and I think, to tell you the truth, if I had to do it all over again I'd have kept him home this year and (forced) myself to do my own preschool curriculum.  It'd have saved me $150/month and the hassle of packing up the kids and taking him to school at noon, and then packing up the baby again at 3 to pick him up.   Oh well... what's done is done.

Anyhow.... I'm already planning a fab 5th birthday party for Hudson.   He's really into painting/art right now so we're going to have a painting party!  I'm going to actually put some effort into planning his party because the last few years he's done Lightning McQueen parties and they've literally been bo-ring to plan for.  Not to mention I've put in minimal effort.  

What was I saying?   Oh yes... the party..... I have lots of ideas... I'm super excited about it!   Today we painted a big "5" on cardboard.  We're going to have a photobooth, face painting (per the birthday boys request) and painting a canvas picture.   Super duper fun stuff!   I love Pinterest.... have I said that yet??

What else did I accomplish today?  Oh yes.... Duncan.  Duncan Duncan Duncan.   He was looking like a polar bear, and his hair was getting matted on his hips where he laid down.  I wasn't wanting to spend $50-$60 on his haircut (so many other things I could use that for right now!), so I decided to play doggy groomer myself.   Hacked up his hair.  I sure did!  I did wash him after this and brush him out, and he looks SO much better.  Not too bad, really.  

Hudson was being such a good listener today and was really campaigning to take his rest on the couch. He talked me into it by voluntarily picking out some books and reading on the couch while I got Amelia ready for her nap.   By this time I'd battled ants (ugh... ants are back AGAIN... every darn spring..... I tried something new this time.  Borax + Sugar + Water.   Currently I have about 100 ants in a pile on my office floor sucking up this concoction.  They'll either die tonight or be back tomorrow for more sweet treats.) and was feeling exhausted so I laid down with Hudson on the couch.  This weekend he found the little mini pocket bible that each of the kids have and has been carrying it around.  (Overheard this weekend, as Porter asked Hudson to help him clean up toys.  "In a minute, Porter.  I'm reading this book.  Called.  The BIBLE."  Cue the sassiness as he said THE BIBLE haha!).  He asked me to read some of the bible so I got through part of Genesis and decided to go get his kids bible and read him a few of those stories.  Then we headed upstairs and I took a good hour nap.  Much needed!  

I also managed to slip in a little mini session with my kiddos for a prop shoot I needed to get done for my From Her Lens photography group (more on that later!).   It didn't turn out as great as I'd envisioned but oh well....

The weather was fabulous today.  I really want to mow the friggin lawn... we have patches that grow longer than others and it sooo needs to be cut.   However, the drive belt or something broke on the lawnmower so it's out of commission right now.    The boys had a blast all evening outside.   They rode scooters, pushed Amelia around in the blue car, had McKenna over to play for a bit and played on the swingset.   My yard looked a mess by the end of the day but that just means we had a good day, right??   

Ry's dad came over for dinner, and afterward I went grocery shopping.  WHEW.   Finally sat down at the end of the day around 9pm and then chatted photo biz stuff with Carrie for a few hours.  Long long day, but I feel pretty accomplished, so that's good.  

Awana Fun Night

Another year of Awanas come and gone.   The boys had awards last week.  Porter was like 3 verses away from finishing his book.   Hudson earned many patches this year.  

I'm so glad we switched churches/Awanas programs.  Bethel's Awanas program is so much more organized (though it is across town instead of just down the road), and has many more activities for the kids.  They earn their patches and jewels in a more timely manner as they complete verses and sections in their books.   Each week they have a different theme for kids to participate in (such as- wear your favorite cartoon character, nerd night, bring something you can fit in your pocket, and dress like a present for Jesus).  

We almost didn't attend the fun night as Hudson was invited to a birthday party and Porter had baseball.  However, we let them decide what they wanted to do and they chose Awanas.  

This was also Hudson's last year of Cubbies.  So sad!  Next year he'll be in Sparks with Porter.

The cubbies did stations for their fun night.... they had a bounce house, balloon man, make a cement stepping stone, face painting and shaving cream toy hunt.   I was really impressed with how much time and effort was put into the activities!    Porter's group did some kind of stations as well, with different carnival type games as well as a craft station and ice cream sundaes and popcorn.  

Room Swap

I swear our house is forever revolving rooms.  If it isn't kids moving rooms, I'm rearranging.

Let's see.... Porter went from the "blue room" that is now currently Amelia's to the "guest room" and then into Hudson's room for a bit and is now back in his room- aka the "original guest room.  

Amelia's room used to be the guest room (the 2nd guest room... remember, Porter took over the first guest room).  

The guest room moved to the basement and took over my office.

My office moved to the other half of the family room. WHEW.

We decided to swap the playroom (a smaller room off the living room  with my office space in the basement.  This would give us a family room/playroom space in the basement as well as the guest room/laundry room down there.   So this week I spent my days trying to organize the rooms and get everything switched over.  

Since flooring isn't in the budget, I decided to paint the basement floor.  Half the basement is carpeted (the guest bedroom and family room area) but this other half of the basement is just the concrete.  So, I painted!  It looks so much better.


Please don't mind our jankety paneling and missing ceiling tiles.   The basement is so far down on our list of things to re-do :) :)

So, my office is now upstairs right off the living room.  It is a much better fit, and it actually freed up an entire corner in the living room!  I spent a lot of time today trying to go through things and organize, but have a looong way to go!   Its hard to cram photography/office/household papers/scrapbooking stuff all into one little room without it looking cluttered.   I have a HUGE stack of the boys' artwork to go through and hope to get my scrapbook stuff straightened out so that I can attempt to jump back into that little hobby every once in awhile.   I'll have to post "after after" pictures once it's all organized and decorated.   I'm thinking of velcroing a skirt of some sort under the countertop so that you don't see the clutter/storage under there?  

The post that resonates in my mind....

A few years ago, I'd read a post that Tara Whitney wrote on her blog.   At the time, I had a 4 and 2 year old and was very much the mom with goldfish crackers and sippy cups and a tantruming toddler.  Still, the post struck a heartstring.  I envisioned the sadness she felt, the shifting identity, the changing phase. It felt light years away, but still I knew when the time came, when I was in the same shoes as her, I would have feelings of sadness and anxiety.  Sorrow for the years that passed to quickly.   I still have little ones, but the mark of Amelia's first birthday only solidifies that time will not stand still for my anxiety and fears.  Her baby stages are flying by without pause, and there is nothing I can do to slow it down, other than to stop and savor as much as I can.   I went back and read Tara's post, and thought I should share here as well.   Bittersweet.... watching my sweet babies grow up into little people... life getting so much easier in so many ways, but harder in others... yet longing for the days when their chubby hands hold your finger tightly, their sticky faces kiss yours with a sloppy kiss, and they curl up and fit in your lap.  

Tara's Post:

"The other night as I was making dinner, it hit me hard that I am now in the phase of mothering that I always dreamed about when I was at home with three children under the age of three. The phase where there is some independence. The phase that is way way way past diapers and potty training and temper tantrums in the grocery store. The phase where my middle school aged son helps my elementary aged daughter with her math homework while I make dinner. It is a brave new world here in this phase. I spent ten plus years with toddlers and babies. The entire decade of my 20′s, and some of my 30′s. I still get shocked with how fast time is passing. I still get shocked at how big they are. How adult they are becoming. Yet I feel like I am in my motherhood prime. I ache to go back in time and hold them as newborns again. To smell their toddler necks and experience their toddler voices. But I was exhausted or drained or depressed for most of that time, if I am going to be perfectly honest. I think I had them too fast, I was stretched too thin. I wouldn’t go back and change a thing, but that is the truth of the matter. I loved them just as fiercely then as I do now…but it was a harder time for me personally as a mother. 

At the same time, it is such a huge huge part of my identity – being the mother of four young children. And now that I am no longer that, my identity is shifting and I haven’t quite caught up. I still feel a part of that “group”. The one at the park after naptime. The one with goldfish crackers and sippy cups falling out of the stroller. The one walking a toddler down the hall to avoid a tantrum at the post office. And it is SO BIZARRE that I am just not there anymore. I miss it, even knowing how hard it was for me. 

I did my best, and I think my best was enough. I hope it was. If who they are today is any indication, it was enough. Thankfully, gratefully. I can now REALLYsee how tender and special that millisecond of time was, and it makes me want to hold onto this time all the more, because I know our next phase is speeding down the runway, arriving at the gate soon as a house full of teenagers. And then, lickity split, take off into a life of their own. 

So here I am, looking back on a lot of memories with a lot of fondness. Recalling who they were then and feeling very full in all that we have experienced together. 

Here I am, learning about who they are now and leading them down the best path that I can. Loving who they are becoming. 

Here I am, looking forward into the future, with great hopes regarding our safety and health, and a lot of excitement over what is to come. 

xo,
Tara"

Amelia Jane | 1 year

Your first birthday.  Your first birthday letter from mama.  How do I write you a letter when my heart is so full, and my words, so few?  This year has flown by faster than the blink of an eye.  One year ago today you completed our family in the most perfect way ever imaginable.   You see,  I've always dreamed of having a daughter.  I've always prayed and hoped I would have a little girl to dress up and do girly things with and give her pigtails (soon, baby girl, soon!) and when we're older go shopping and gossip and bond and do mother/daughter trips.   I'd always pictured our family with 2 boys and a little girl.  When I was pregnant with you I dreamt and prayed you'd be a little girl.  First and foremost, I wanted a healthy baby.  Please don't get me wrong.  But my heart ached for a little girl.   And when I found out you were a girl, I was in complete disbelief.   I was lucky to have a good friend who was a sonographer and could scan me weekly if I wanted- and believe me, for about a month I went in every week "just to make sure".

The day you were born was so, so surreal.  I couldn't want to see you.  To hold you and kiss you and be able to say "my daughter".   I couldn't believe you were really here, and you were perfect and tiny and utterly adorable.  You've had your brothers wrapped around your little finger from day one as well.  Don't let them tell you otherwise.  I know someday you'll be their pesky little sister but believe me, they love you to pieces and I pray for mercy on any boy who breaks your heart in the future.


You’ve grown from a helpless little bundle in my arms, to a willful, vivacious little girl.  I love who you’re already becoming at just one year old. Your thirst for life astounds me. Your sense of determination intimidates me and your cheerfulness warms my heart.  You are everything I could have imagined you would be a year ago and so, so much more.

I love watching you explore.  You're the most inquisitive, brave little girl I've ever known.   I can literally see the wheels spinning in that little head of yours as you transfer the pile of unmatched socks into an empty cardboard box as if you're working on some complex mission.  

I love that you love animals- Ella especially.   You grin when she enters the room, and when she's not in the room you'll call for her "Allah!" and go searching for her.  The poor cat puts up with so much- the patience she has!   You love to crawl up to her, ram your head into her, and snuggle up.  You lay on top of her and bounce on her like a horsie.   It's so cute, but it is a wonder she puts up with you!

I love the shape of your head–that it once  fit perfectly in my palm and is now heavy on my shoulder.  

I love that you grin and say "hi" to everyone in the store- nonstop until they acknowledge you.  

I love your petite little hands and your finger that is pointing and questioning everything–  “Sthat?”. 

I love that you love your "pretties", and try your hardest to put your play necklaces on, and beam with pride when you do.  

I love the way you try to share your binky with me, and giggle as if it is the funniest thing ever.   

I love that when you smile, you smile with your whole face.   Your nose crinkles.  Your cheeks round up, and your eyes turn to half moon slits.   It is so infectious, and everyone comments on what a smiley baby you are.  

You're quite the mamas girl, and there are many days you ONLY want me, and I'll be honest- it is exhausting at times.   There have been many days I want to toss you to daddy and go hide, but I try to remind myself that these days aren't going to last forever.  These days are the ones I need to hold onto tightly and cherish while they're here. 

You've also become quite the drama queen as well.   You are pretty opinionated and are not afraid to let everyone know.   You've begun throwing little tantrums, and whining A LOT.   If this has any bearing on what your teenage years have in store for us, I'm terrified.  

Fearless.  This is one word that describes you to a 'T'.   You'll climb any staircase, flop off the couch, wiggle out of your high chair and onto the countertop, climb stools to sit on desks, and finagle yourself into spaces you aren't meant to be in and then get frustrated because you're stuck.  

This past year has been amazing.  I feel so incredibly blessed that God has changed the direction of my career and I've had the courage to follow His lead.  You're my last baby, Amelia, and I've been so blessed to be able to stay home with you and be the one taking care of you every day.  I never, ever thought this was something I'd be able to do- I'd written off staying home a long time ago, and had accepted that I'd always be a work-outside-the-home mama.   I've loved seeing your milestones, being the one to hold you when you cry, to rock you before naptime, to feed you your bottles and to see your grinning face when you wake up.

I'd be lying if I said this past year was completely perfect.  While it has been filled with so many blessings that I never imagined happening, it was also filled with many struggles.  Thank you, sweet girl, for hanging in there with me.  Financially we had a really rough winter.   This was my first year making photography my full time career and winter was slow.  This stressed me out and made both my and your daddy's minds worry about things that weren't necessarily in our control.   It was hard for me to find balance while working from home and taking care of you and your brothers.  I know there were times I was not as good a mom as I should have been.   It has been trial and error, and I try to remember that you and your brothers come first, before work.   I hope that you'll know I've always tried my best.

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Happy Birthday, my brave, wild, precious daughter. You have made our lives so very, very sweet. I carry your heart, little girl. I carry it in my heart.

Organizing Spices

Last fall, Jane wrote this post about dealing with anxiety.   Dubbed "organizing your spices" I could totally relate.    I knew, through therapy sessions, that one of my ways of trying to control anxiety/things I couldn't control was to clean, or organize, or rearrange, or create.

The past couple days I started making a mental list of these random projects I wanted to do around the house.  Paint the old hutch in the dining room.  Refinish an old high chair.  Paint more chalkboard paint in the kitchen.   And the big one.... swap rooms.   Move my office/craft room up to the playroom off of the living room and move the playroom down to the basement.

Ryan agreed it would be a good idea- the boys rarely play in the smallish playroom, and when they did they trashed it.  They had too many "big" things in there that took up space.  There wasn't a lot of floorspace to play.   And the big one- I felt like we had toys dispersed among every room of the house.   Train table upstairs, a toy box of toys and dress up in the basement, and a playroom full of toys on the 1st floor.   By moving everything downstairs, it would create a "home base" for a majority of the toys.

Last night, around 10pm, I decided to make the switch.  Now mind you- this wasn't a simple "move a few things" switch.   I moved cabinets and unscrewed countertops and dragged all 90" of countertop up the stairs at midnight.   I hauled bins and bins of toys, a toy kitchen, table and chairs all to the basement.   I finally wen to bed at 1am and woke up and spent all of today organizing and trying to put things in place.

Did I mention today was Amelia's 1st birthday?  And I was in a bit of denial that my baby was turning 1.

All day while I moved boxes and files and totes and crates and cabinets and toys up and down the stairs I contemplated this change.   While it seems simple enough- innocent enough- deep down I knew what this was.

It was one step further in the direction of my children growing up.  Their independence.

The playroom right off the living room was great when we first moved here- the boys were toddlers/babies and it was well used.   But now.... they're 7 and (almost) 5 and are slowly moving to the phase of not "needing" a toy room.  I mean, they do- but... they spend time with friends in the basement.  They're bigger.  Louder.  More active.  They need more space, in more ways than one.

Knowing Amelia is 99.9% likely my last baby it gives me so much anxiety.   I'm not ready to let go of this phase.... this part of me.  The part of me that identifies as a "mom of little ones".  I'm not ready to let go of bottles and sippy cups and diaper and become a mom with fully independent children.  I'm not sure how to identify with myself as a mom without little ones hanging on me, needing me.

This is bringing a lump to my throat.

I felt fine after having Hudson getting rid of baby stuff... I knew we'd likely have another.   I knew I'd have one more hospital stay with a fresh newborn.  I knew that once again I'd have sleepless nights and a sink full of bottles and graham cracker crumbs in my purse and another sticky face to wipe off.

Amelia turning 1 is so bittersweet to me.  I love the little person she is becoming.  Her personality is so enormous and she is sure to be an amazing little girl.   I can't wait to watch her blossom.  But, this milestone also means I'm nearing my last baby bottle.  The last pacifier.  The last diaper.  The last sippy cup.  The last boo boo to kiss.  The last hand to hold across the street.

So, today I organized my spices.   I can't control my babies growing up.  It is going to happen.  Somehow I'll manage to deal with it- accept it, and love it.   But today, today I'll push aside that anxiety and organize my spices.

***************
"Your first child opens your eyes to the wonder of each new age. Your last reminds you of its transience."

A permanent fixture

The car topper has become quite the joke.   We've been home from vacation for 5 days and it is still on there.   Last night I was grumpy.  Really grumpy.   And Ryan said he wasn't going to take the effing topper off last night so I said "Then let's see how you like driving that biotch to work tomorrow!"
  

Well... today I had to run errands.  Ran into a friend at Target who, as we walked out to the parking lot, said she couldn't remember where she parked.  

"You wouldn't forget if you had one of these on your car!"

And then at Meijer, as I was unloading the kids, another friend drove by and said "Ma'am... where can I get one of those for my car?"

I about died laughing.  

It's turning into the butt of all jokes.   Awesome.

Happy Easter, little stinkers!

Since we were not going to be home for Easter I had planned ahead and bought and packed up te goodies that "the Easter bunny" would be delivering. I, stupidly, left the bag in my closet with plans to pack it. The boys, however, decided to go into my closet randomly one day and found all their loot. They ratted themselves out when I got home and I just shrugged my shoulders and said "Happy Easter... That's what you'll be getting in your Easter basket!" Not much else I could do. I wasn't going to rebuy new stuff. So, they can out two and two together as to who the Easter Bunny is. Honestly though, we don't really incorporate the Easter bunny a whole lot- I think they've maybe seen the Easter bunny twice in their lives (not sure Hudson ever has...?) and we just don't really play up that part of Easter too much.

I will be excited to see their faces in the morning when they find all their goodies!

Yes, my kids are totally color codes. p is always green. H is always red. If one if those colors is not sail able I substitute for blue. :-).

What would have been viral on YouTube...

Katie and I went shopping on Saturday--- the WHOLE DAY!  No kids!  She picked me up at 10 and we headed to Ann Arbor for what ended up being darn near 10 hours of kid-free bliss. 

Our first stop was Old Navy.  We both ended up with a ton of things to try on so we went into the handicap room to try on together.  Let me tell you.... if there had been a video taken of us during that half our I can guarantee it would have gone viral on YouTube.  I envision it having a title like... "Delusional moms try on too-small clothing in Old Navy dressing room."  I had to help Katie out of two dresses and the only thing that kept my fat sucked in was my thigh to boob spanx that I wore. 

We were laughing SO hard at ourselves.  I'm pretty sure everyone in the dressing room area could hear our loud, cackles as we fell into the walls of the dressing room in fits of laughter.   We laughed about spanx, and big boobs, and dresses that Katie got stuck in and stomach fat and our inability to judge exactly how fat we really are. 

I honestly don't remember the last time I had a good laugh like that.  It was so needed.  I love that I have friends I can be so funny with, about such stupid things, and not feel self conscious about it.  Our day was just so great.  We vented about our potty mouthes with our kids, our short tempers, the probability that we're scarring our children with threats and psycho mommy moments.  We laughed about our fat mom-bodies, our delusional views of what we really look like.  We had lunch and stuffed our faces and assured ourselves it was going straight to the fat bellies.  We shopped and people watched and gossiped and discussed hideous clothing trends.  We had a grand old time.   

I'm so lucky.  Lucky to have a great girlfriend I can laugh with and lucky to have a day away from my kids to regroup.  Now onto Monday.... another week of the daily grind coming on up!

Amelia Jane | 11 months old

I have been terrible at documenting Amelia's monthly milestones.  Even more terrible at taking her monthly picture with her month stickers.   *Sigh* oh well.... what can ya do.

At 11 months old you have become quite the daredevil.  You loves climbing things and are constantly sitting in the basket that holds your diapers.   You figured out you can stand on your rocking chair and make it rock back and forth at a dangerous angle.  You figured out how to slide the baby gate over and get up the stairs so we had to lock in the baby gate.  Once you realized we had you figured out, you one-upped us by climbing onto the small chest that holds shoes and climbing up the side of the stairs holding onto the risers.  You are quite a monkey, I tell ya!

We think you're likely our naughtiest child yet.  You laugh when you get in trouble, and you are always wriggling your way out of your high chair seats and standing up in them.  You wait, halfway up, until we see you and then laugh with excitement as you try to scale up onto the counter or table.  Dining with you in a restaurant is not very enjoyable as you think it is a game and often the restaurant seats don't secure babies in too well.  Shopping carts pose the same issue.... you're always trying to wiggle out and get ticked when you cant.

Speaking of getting ticked.  You definitely have a temper already.  When you want something and can't have it you scream.  You also like to scream to hear your voice echo and while it is kind of cute for a few minutes, your shrieks and laughter get a big obnoxious.

You love to talk.  You have long conversations that make no sense to anyone but yourself.  You are constantly saying something that sounds like "What's dat?" Your newest word is Porter, which comes out like "PoePoo".  I just love your little voice.  It is so sweet and chirpy.  You say "Uh oh", Peek-A-Boo ("Pee-Boo").  You say Dada, Mama, Thank You, All Done,

We recently vacationed in North Carolina where you saw the ocean for the first time.  I was nervous about the sand, as it seems like it is either love or hate with babies/toddlers.  You, my dear, LOVE it.   You crawl all around and love crawling toward the water.  Grandma walked you up to the waters edge and when the frigid cold water washed up over your feet you giggled so hard.

You love your baby dolls.   You love to hug them and give them kisses.

It is hard for me to believe that you are so close to so many baby-to-toddler changes.   Transitioning from formula to milk (we did this at 12m with the boys).  From bottle to sippy cup (I think the boys kept their night time bottle until 14mo or so).  Ditching the pacifier (which I think we let Hudson keep until 14/15mo or so).  This makes me happy that you're nearing toddlerhood because I so love all the new stages, but so sad because you're my BABY and I can't believe you're almost a year old.

You now have your bottom two teeth in and your top two are about halfway through.  You have the same gap that Hudson had, which is so cute.  I hope this means you'll have more space for your adult teeth, as we can already tell Porter will 100% need braces.   And at $5-6,000kid uhm... we're rooting for the least amount of kids needing braces as possible!

You aren't walking on your own yet but love to walk holding hands.  You're slowly getting braver about moving between furniture that is spaced pretty far apart.  You have stood alone for a few seconds but get nervous and squat once you realize you're not holding anything.


Naughty Amelia Jane! from Nicole Barczak on Vimeo.

3.27.13 from Nicole Barczak on Vimeo.

What's one more?

Me: "Amelia you are so naughty!"
Hudson: "Maybe we shouldn't HAVE a baby!"
Me: "Well then, what would we do with her?"
Hudson: "We could give her to Jane!"

Combat Travel Boredom

We leave soon for the beach--- wooohoo!   I'm so so excited- mostly excited to relax and let the boys run and play all day in the sand, and also so excited to see Amelia's reaction to the ocean.  I'm hoping she doesn't end up being one of those fussy babies that doesn't like the sand.  I doubt it... she's pretty easy going.

The drive down and back scare the crap out of me.  We're going to attempt to drive straight through- leaving after Ryan gets home from work and driving through the night.   GAHHH!   This scares me for a number of reasons.

1) I'm afraid the kids will wake up and realize they're stuck in their carseats and get pissed because they're tired and uncomfortable

2) It is a long ass drive.  And it'll be dark.  In the mountains.  Not to mention we'll have an 11 month old who isn't going to be that easy to entertain in her seat, and two boys who tend to fight.  A lot.

3) When I was 10 my family was driving to Georgia, through the night.  My mom fell asleep driving just as morning came, and our van went off the highway and hit a tree.  It was totalled.   I was in the passenger seat.

So with less than a week to go, I've started planning some activities for the trip for the boys.   This will knock off one of my issues (the boys being bored/fighting).   The rest of it... well... I dunno.

Here's my plan.  And ideas.   I thought I'd share here so that I have a reference later, and so if anyone wants ideas!  I'll have to blog later and let everyone know how it goes.

1) Mile Marker Car.  I did this the last time we drove down.  I think I'll use a string or something and make mile markers every 50 miles or so... and move our "car" on the clothespin to each marker as we go. This will give the boys (and me HAH!) a visual as to how far we have left.

2) Car Bucks and Travel Tokens or Travel/Reward Tickets   I am not sure exactly how I'm going to use these... possibly give them one at each mile marker/half hour if they've had good behavior so they can cash them in for a "mile marker prize".

3)Books.  Porter is capable of reading chapter books (notice I said capable....).  He can read them but doesn't like to.  He's reading at a level 21 (middle of 2nd grade) and I want to try to push him a little.  So, I'm going to take a chapter book for him and reward him with some Travel Tokens/Car Bucks as he completes chapters.

4)  Lacing Cards and More Lacing Cards  I don't think my boys have ever used lacing cards (unless it was at school), so I printed and laminated some and plan to use those when they get bored.  Hopefully it'll buy us a half hour or so.

5) Handwriting Worksheets  I printed the boys each one with their full name and laminated it.  I'm going to buy them dry erase markers to use.

6) Glow Sticks- Since we'll be driving through the night, I figure the boys will end up awake for awhile at least.  Glow sticks will be fun!

7) Snacks (duh)   Travel Fruit & Veggies

8) DS + Games

9) DVD Player + DVD's

10) Tin Can phones and car divider.  DIY Home Sweet Home has some GREAT ideas Here and Here.     One idea was to velcro a window valance (or fabric etc) to the ceiling to create a divider between kids if they begin to need their own space.  She also created tin can phones for them to use when the divider was up.   I think the boys will like this!   We'll see :)

11) WOAH.  The mother of all ideas!  I just stumbled upon this blog that linked up to some GREAT ideas.   Tip Junkie.  Check it!

12) Bingo and I Spy printables

I feel prepared, but I'm so anxious about this drive!  GAH!  Also because I have SO much to pack still. Pretty much... everything.  I can't wait though!!! It's going to be SO MUCH FUN!

My 3 little birdies

Though we have many a bad day around here, and most often I tuck the kids in bed with a big sigh of relief, everyone in awhile I fall into bed completely smitten with a bit of perspective each of my children have served me with that day.

On my bed tonight was a book from nap time with Hudson.  How I love our Mondays and Fridays (days he doesn't have school).  I don't nap with him often, but every few weeks I will lay down with him and rest.  It is much needed for me, and I love snuggling with him!   Returning to a "work outside the home job" next year is something I'm unsure of right now.  Regardless what direction my photography business leads me, I will never regret this year home with my babies.  I love sweet moments with Hudson and will miss them terribly when he goes to kindergarten this fall.

We had pizza and a movie tonight.  We watched Toy Story 3.  Porter is such a tenderhearted boy.  When the clown was telling the story about Lotso being replaced when Daisy lost him, and the baby doll was crying, Porter gravved a pillow and buried his face.  Without thinking, I jokingly pulled the pillow away and realized he was crying.  My sweet boy felt brokenhearted for these toys.  I love his tender heart.  I tend to be so hard on him sometimes, expecting so much from him and I often forget that he is just a little boy with a big heart that can be broken so easily.

And Amelia... oh this baby girl is such a love bug.   It melts my heart when she grins so big her eyes turn to half moons.  When Oma came over the other day she hugged her.  Laid her head on her shoulder and hugged her.  I love when she does this.  And she triest o give kisses.  She loves her baby dolls and loves to rock the doll crib in her room.  I love when I feed her before bed and when she is done with her bottle she pushes it away, rolls onto her stomach against my chest, burps and falls asleep.  Bellyful.  Content.  Peaceful.  Other times she just wants her bed.  She grabs her paci and practically leaps into her bed from my arms, grabs her blanket and rolls over to sleep.  When she is tired she is the easiest kid to put to bed.  She loves to give me her paci.  It is such a game to her.  She takes it from her mouth and puts it in mine and then laughs as she yanks it back out.  She is so silly.  It melts my heart.

Seeing Everything

"Mom, if you stand up on the bed and you're really tall, your head would go through the ceiling. And you would see EVERYTHING." (raises eyebrows matter-of-factly). "You could see EVERYTHING. You could see small ships. And big shiiiips." (pause) "But not New York." -Hudson, 4.5 years old

Brotherly bonding

When we were house hunting I was determined to find a 4 bedroom home so that when we had 3 kids they would each have their own room. They do each have their own room and with a 5th bedroom/guest room in the basement we have plenty of rooms for everyone to have their own space.

A few weeks ago we took Hudsons bunk beds apart and Porter asked to have a "sleepover" in H's room. We said yes and they were over the moon excited. This turned into night after night them giggling with excitement when we obliged and let porter room with Hudson. I finally asked them if they wanted to share a room- being porters stuff in, trade the train table for P's desk and make Porters room a "big kid play room". They were all for it.

Ryan was not so thrilled with the idea. My thoughts are that they won't always want to be near each other. They won't always want to share a room and I feel like this could be a good bonding experience for them. And when we put them in bed and from the living room can hear them giggling and telling silly stories, it makes me so happy.

When will they decide they want their own space, I don't know. Could be next week. Or next month. Or 3 years down the road. But for now, I'm going to enjoy hearing their bedtime bonding giggles and smile knowing they're for once choosing to be together.

The crud arrives

All winter I've watched multiple friends on Facebook battle the winter crud. Flu. GI yuckiness. Sinus crud. Viruses. Fevers. Sore throats. It seemed NeverEnding and I swear it was some kind of epidemic! We finally succumbed to the crud this past week. Nothing terrible, as I've seen multiple friends' families down for the count for weeks on end. Ry came down with strep on Thursday night and, typically, slept allllll weekend. Not kidding. All day fri, sat and Sun he was in bed. Saturday morning Hudson woke and told me his ear hurt him. Off to express care we went. Ear infection. Amelia has been battling some congestion for the past week and on Tuesday I finally took her into the doctor because she was crying as if she was in pain. She has an ear infection as well.

Obviously she wants no one else but mama while she is sick. So all day I pretty much have her attached to my hip. And all night I'm up multiple times with her rocking her back to sleep. She's normally my easiest kid to put to sleep. When she is tired she takes her paci, cuddles up with a blanket and I press her glow worms belly for a few minutes of song. Simple as that. But while she's sick? Ohhhhh. She wakes up a few times a night and sometimes is inconsolable. All she wants to do is cuddle and lay on my chest and rock. Poor baby.

So as you can see, not much sleeping is going on here (for me at least), and the house is looking a bit disheveled. I'm hoping I can get caught up on cleaning and organizing some things tomorrow. My mom was a huge help this past week- cleaned a lot and did tons of laundry. But I'm sure you know how laundry breeds in the dark, so logically there is loads of laundry still to do. Ugh.

I can't wait for everyone to start feeling better. Today my throat has felt kind of tight and scratchy. Praying I don't end up sick because all of us mamas know that mamas don't get sick days.... And surely won't have 3 full days to sleep 24/7.