Does that make any sense? I feel like I'm in such a rut lately... all kinds of ruts. Like... everything seems to be spiraling out of control.
My kids keep growing up. Faster and faster... day by day. And it KILLS me. I've been in one of those super emotional moods lately where every freaking thing makes me want to cry. I watch videos shared on FB and they make me cry. Clips of kiddos singing songs make me cry. Stories about babies make me cry. Pictures of my friends daughter in her new big girl bed (who is only a few months older than Amelia) make me cry. Every. Single. Thing.
And then the boys... oh they can drive me up the fricking wall and melt my heart in the same day. Sometimes within the same hour. Or 5 minutes. I was looking at a Garnet Hill catalog and on the back was a lady in a swimsuit. A cute, pretty modest swimsuit. The boys were all "Oh gross... don't look on the back! There's some random lady in a swimsuit!" I asked why that was gross (because seriously... its Garnet Hill... it was a retro-styled tankini HAHA!). They said "Random stranger women wearing bathing suits are gross to boys, Mom." I asked... what about on the beach?
P: "No... well, random women are gross in bathing suits.
H: "Except our mom. You're not gross."
P: "Yeah, you're not gross to us, mom. You're pretty."
And I kid you freaking not... I had to walk out of the room I was tearing up so badly! (Serious... I'm about crying right now). You see... I feel so DISGUSTING about myself right now. I know I should love myself no matter what I look like but you guys... this work at home mom stuff is not good for a body. Especially when time is limited... everyone needs something and who has time to fit in a workout when there is computer work to be done??? I'm the heaviest I have EVER EVER been (not-pregnant). And I just feel gross about myself. I try not to talk bad about my body in front of the kids but I know I do. But, just to hear them say those simple words..."You're not gross to us...." "You're pretty." I wanted to crawl in a corner and cry. This simple little conversation with them I doubt they will EVER remember, and surely never would think it was very significant. But it was to me.
See... see... emotional hot mess over here!!! *raises hand*
Work. Ohhh this is my nemesis. I love love love the job I've fallen into. I love what I do. I love the flexibility. I love everyone I've met. I love being the "manager" of a team of over 700 business people *on my team alone* and helping them find success and working with them toward one single goal.... to share essential oils with the world. However, this title doesn't come without its burdens. I constantly feel like I'm letting people down. I constantly feel like I'm forgetting something, that there's something else needing to be on my to do list. I'm constantly feeling like I've left someone out, or not reaching out to someone who might need a note of encouragement. Top that off with some huge changes that our entire Lemon Dropper team is going through in the next few months... I'm losing it. I and a handful of my other leaders on my team are working to open up a new "Lounge" (called the Lemon Aid Library) that will be for customers to learn about essential oils... how to use them, what works for what etc. So, we're crunching quickly toward our deadline to launch, and have so many legalities to work out so we don't get our asses sued if someone decides they took some advice from the Library and had bad results from it.
And then my damn wrist. Ugh. This winter has just sucked. I'm close to 6 weeks into physical therapy and STILL don't have full control of my wrist... I can't lift things, I have limited range of motion, my scar HURTS LIKE HELL and its just... uncomfortable. Not to mention twice a week physical therapy is cramping my schedule, and I've had to ask my grandma to babysit more than I like to rely on her. And Lacey... my poor horse.... I'm paying $350/month to board her where I can ride during the winter in the indoor arena and I can't even freaking ride right now!! I haven't even been out to see her since the day I broke my wrist-- Jan 2. Thank GOD I love the place she is at... and I know she's being SO well taken care of. The weather this winter has been SO cold I just haven't had the ambition to go out there and risk injuring my wrist even further. I know I don't have the strength to tighten her girth, even if I were just taking Porter out to ride. :(
I know... what a whiny post. I just am feeling so overwhelmed lately. I hate change, I hate feeling overwhelmed, I hate being all emotional and crazy feeling. I guess I just needed to write it all out... and see that this is just a blip in time... this too shall pass. It will. Life is amazing, for the most part.... I just have to keep looking on the bright side.